From The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9-11 commission. I guess right now they’re finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney’s right knee or his left knee?”

For those of you in Rio Linda, that means Dick Cheney’s going to be speaking for Bush like a ventriloquist speaks for the little guy sitting on his lap.

“Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem — it doesn’t have a message!”

I’ve been wondering the same thing. Does John “Waffles” Kerry have a message?